Chaos

I'm not packed yet. Shouldn't I be packed by now? I put some shoes in my bag, so at least I've started, but it seems like all I've been doing lately is packing. There are a lot of reasons I can't stand the thought of packing right now, and that's the biggest. It also hasn't quite hit me that I'm leaving tomorrow. This will be my first trip to Europe, and I'm feeling completely unprepared. Nothing is settled or stable in my life right now, so I don't have much of a firm platform to leap from. This was my last two weeks:

Papers. Performance. Exams. Pack up my dorm room as much as I can. Leave for Hawaii to visit a very close friend who's deploying to Afghanistan with the Marines while I'm in Germany. Deal with a 5 hour time change. Deal with leaving my friend without knowing when or if I will see him again. Three flights home, including the redeye, living on junk food instead of pineapple. Get a ride home at 6pm from my senile great uncle who I thought knew where he was going. Try to study for exam the next morning and fall asleep instead. Wake up to 4:30 am fire alarm and stay up to help roommate move out. Fall back asleep in an echoing dorm at 6 am. Exam at 10am that I couldn't study for (but passed anyway). More sleep. Finish packing dorm room. More sleep. Work at 10am. Finish moving out of East Quad and dumping my stuff at my summer sublet. Barely have enough time shopping with my mom to get the essentials for Summer and Germany. Scramble to find alternatives for brother's party the next day, since GFS closed earlier than we thought. Get very sick and listless from not eating for too long. Slightly recover at Steak and Shake, then succumb to a terrible headache and stomachache. Finally fall into pull-out bed at 11pm at great aunt and uncle's house. Get up at 7:45, exhausted and still a little sick. Wear a dress and heels. Brother's graduation at the Big House. Lunch. Fall asleep in Crisler Arena before engineering graduation. Finally realize that brother is moving 2,000 miles away into the real world and won't be around to take care of me anymore. Dinner and celebration with family. Emotional phone call until 3 am. Breakfast with family and purchase of air mattress so that I don't have to sleep on the floor for two days. After goodbyes with parents and brother who I won't see again for a long time, spend rest of day trying to unpack in a summer sublet with no furniture. Try to plan where furniture will go when it is moved into my room while I'm in Germany. Frustrating hour and a half long trip to Meijer. Microwaved leftovers at 9:30pm. High point of the day watching my two favorite TV shows, Breaking Bad and Dollhouse. Problems with the poorly designed rechargeable air mattress pump that won't run while plugged into the wall. Finally fill air mattress on third try and fall asleep. Fail to sleep past 8:30am. Shower in the tiniest shower I've ever seen (I swear, this thing's like 2.5x2.5'). Pump up bike tires. Ride bike in a dress because I know that I won't pack it. Run errands. Say goodbyes. Call bank so they won't shut my debit card down when I use it in Germany. Put off packing by napping and blogging.

I've been alternately running errands and napping, trying not to be overwhelmed. I'm going to Berlin tomorrow! I'm excited, uprooted, exausted, confused, and anxious. But I'm young. I'm resiliant. I can take all this. I'm going to Berlin! And I still need to pack, take my fish to my friends' apartment (find out where it is first), get my hair cut, re-bleach it, get in touch with my house manager...but I'm going to Berlin!